a favorite new phrase (giving you some idea of how my latest slant of thinking goes )

"mutton dressed up as lamb"

various thoughts on working

Experiencing more spontaneity and fluency in my work. I guess this comes from age, feeling secure, achieving more balance in my life or, maybe, just an illusion of many of these elements when I've simply been blessed with these "abilities".
Recently have done some drawings and, now absent more intense scrutiny and many questions about just where to put the next line, these works seem to flow. This flow is only interrupted occasionally and, at that point, the started drawing has a very good chance of winding up in fragments on the paper recycle pile.
These days,  I cannot save a fragments of a started painting, but must start all over again, rather than try and come back next day/next hour and try and attach good new stuff to older good bits-I know this now to not only be a tendency for me, but also that the sew-together thing will be a Frankenstein-all stops and starts with no real flow. The act of salvaging doesn't work for me in this respect.
A good feeling comes from destroying old work that no one seems to take notice of (there's too much work around here as it is!)...I'm not so sure that it is an old (good) work that is being annihilated or that perhaps that sacrifice is worth making way for the new stuff to come. Maybe this is a kind of balance or trade-done in the interest of (valuable) real estate.
It really is incredible to me that mornings are the most valuable time for me when it comes to creative thinking and effective working. A supposition: that each individual has a "perfect" or "good" time to do their thinking/working. Guess it might be informative to ask arrive, if only to satisfy my own curiosity.
Additional note: I'm starting to dream a lot more about my work...last night "returned" to an old photo I've seen (could not find it this morning)-foggy b+w scene of two air balloons ascending in a foreign field-this may lead to a new work...

A hound on a long trail....and so far, relentless...

A Grouse is a bird

Here we are, a few centuries later
still fighting "the good fight"
I cleaned the fridge today-was this a creative act?
It could be similar, causing me to ask "what good did this bring?"
"was it really necessary?" "Was value involved?"
Results (almost) the same as making all this damn artwork.
Self-gratification? Here's a big difference: the refrigerator took up the same amount of space
before AND after. Not so with this useless crap called art-is it just me who thinks of the stuff that way?
Or is it even more useless to others...why did he make this shit?
Comparisons to the religious pop into my head...am i just one more sister in workduds
calling on God, with a more non-sensical plea...
Capital "F" stands for faith, make no doubt about it....but the word "faltering" comes along, trying to oust it- poking fun at the word in all its ramifications.
Penance?
How do you get away with  spending valuable time and money on things,-no, on pipe dreams-with no discernible commercial return or integrity?

pain

It's a mystery.
Neither Laura or I know what it is.
Knowing it will not change things, but still…
After a mammography and two (count 'em) MRIs,
we know nothing except fear.

Driving home today after an early trip.
Sun bright in my eyes and, with relief,
crying to myself in the car- to the children's tune
of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".

Pain for what might be.
Pain for what may not be.

Is this what's called failure?

Wiser (?) voices in my head tell me to stop making stuff-after all, who needs it? Who wants it?
I look around me and see what I deem to be lesser work flying out of studios, galleries, shops.
Is my work really that bad or is it that my opinion/taste is badly skewed?

A hound on a very long bad trail

Granted, I can't sell ten dollar bills for five bucks, but my salesmanship should be an irrelevant point. After all, shouldn't the work stand up for itself? Maybe not-for one thing, there's so much out there clamoring for one's attention. Or maybe I'm just so damn naive-to continue the analogy, that dog don't hunt…
A foolish thing to make work that's useless, yet to keep on with it. OK, admittedly, I think I'm doing good stuff. And besides, I do enjoy the act of working.

You'll know when I croak-watch for the huge bonfire.