Man is the only animal whose desires increase as they are fed; the only animal that is never satisfied. (Henry George)

And so it is with yours truly. 

The feeling of stagnation and some kind of a depression have crept over me. I can attribute some of this to the fact that I've been so out of touch with other artists or at least with discussions about art (and the dissatisfaction-read, the constant struggle- it brings to me)...

Looking around my studio, only a few pieces stand out for me as those not coming from the hands of a hack.

Don't get me wrong-at the same time, I find very little work by others "out there" that shows me work or hard, true thought...and, of course, those I consider to be worthy peers are creating wonderful masterpieces next to the trash that issues from my hand.

Guston wrote "Sometimes I scrape off a lot. You have on the floor, like cow dung in the field, this big glob of paint... and it's just a lot of inert matter, inert paint. Then I look back at the canvas, and it's not inert - it's active, moving and living. "

I'm missing this-I need that stuff that gets left on the canvas-all that I've got is the cow dung. Am I not working hard enough? Or am I just going through the motions, working being like breathing-or worse, like sleeping? Just because those arms and legs are moving (and making things) does not mean that any sort of good work is present...or that I am actually engaged and/or thinking. Some days it seems as though my ability to run on automatic is, well, automatic.

All this dissatisfaction can act like a springboard, but I am becoming suspicious of these sorts of knee-jerk reactions in that they may only keep the machine going, leaving the mind behind (perhaps to deal with the to-do items or the grocery list).

How do I ensure use of all my facilities/faculties?

How do I keep thinking (really thinking)?

I have a great ability to re-channel my (abstract) thinking into the practical and in this process, there is loss...I almost want to say that when two and two stop adding up to four(when the real risky stuff might start) , I (automatically) switch back to easier thought. Like all those folks out there who choose the light and happy over anything requiring real contemplation...("I don't want a Holiday in the sun...")

Perhaps I don't have the capacity to take things further. I've always had the desire to be several things other than what I am-for instance, a good painter (I can't get past the three-dimensional) and a good thinker (I see myself as only two or three baby steps past "duh").

Signed,
I'm not satisfied